Annual visits to this page

Life is flowing fast yet smooth. I do feel lucky everytime I retrospect through the tough times i have been through. 

I miss my parents a lot - wish they could come over more often - wish they too experienced the luxury or rather the comfortable life that i am leading here. 

I heard somewhere recently - whatever you do - make sure you are loving yourself. This thought kind of stuck to me - yet another attempt of being selfish. I really need to learn that trick in life. 

I received an award for always saying yes and for always helping everyone. Not sure if I should feel good or pity myself for it. Nonetheless being appreciated surely felt amazing. 

It is a race - more like a marathon - struggling to stay on track without losing myself in this whole deal. 

Being alone is becoming more and more comfortable with time - not sure if i would wish to let go of this comfort zone!

Life happens..

 So it has been 2 years since my last post. Not sure why I mentioned about the previous job change as since then I moved to another property. Another city..a different house..different people..different me..

Life has been fair to me so far..I guess..I cant complain after being so privileged to have a job that allows me to live a comfortable life.

Parents visited recently - they were thrilled to see my place and the new city. Unfortunately, I could not take them to other countries - which I truly wish to do..someday..

Living alone for last 4 yrs has been quite a journey - one that I am peaceful with. Work keeps me busy.

Need to live - I am being told that I am only breathing and passing through life - I am not living life - as I should..

lets see..its scary to go back to the old me in a new way..

Life happens..

Annual thought sharing!

This is bizarre -  almost a year and I am back! Not sure if it is just a coincidence, the mind wants to look for signs in every direction. Yea, it is that 'looking for signs' kind of phase that I am passing through. It is being said by many, that life is constantly showing us but we tend to ignore! Well, now that I am trying so hard to read signs, I only hope I dont end up making it all up in my head :P

I have been successful in moving on with my life, well, to some extent. Got a new job, new responsibilities and more.

Life is not bad at all. The year though is getting a bit scary. My only thought being able to reach home to my parents.

A sudden thought that passed my mind today - What if all three of us.. mom, dad and I, could die together like at the same time. There will not be any pain of one losing the other..will be peaceful..i guess.

Reminder..

Is it just a coincidence that I came back here exactly a year after my last visit! Though I don't feel particularly poetic unlike my last fruitless attempt.

It is funny indeed how life has turned out in last one year, with no regrets (regretting, somehow I realised in last one year) do not quite work out well.

I have been blamed for things I did not do, while I try to sever my ties in certain areas of life, I strive to build some ties in other directions.

To be able to write what is felt is an art I could never master, but let this post be a reminder of the severed ties and the family I could never have. A reminder that life still moves on while I try to build a family with 120 members.

Hit me where it hurts the most.
What is the point of hitting otherwise
Like you have the pleasure of watching me suffer I too have my time taking refuge to melancholy.
Melancholy has kinda of been my forte since 17.
Half my life i have enjoyed the mood..
Oh wait does that mean your hurt gave me more pleasure than you derived out of it?
I wonder..
Life is funny isn't it..
While we carry kanoon ka tarazu in one hand..we should carry a mirror..

To be or not to be.... Communist!!

I may be called an anti-nationalist or anti- something or the other post this...however..after watching and reading what all my friends on FB have to say (mix of all sort of emotions) quite frankly i am very confused whom to believe and whom not to.. Being a rational human being, every time i read something from a friend whom i know to be rational too, i decide to trust his/her opinion and then again the next moment its another rational friend who changes the whole concept.. thus, after all these confusion, I had this strong urge of jumping onto the bandwagon of expressing my views to public.. here it goes:
Very recently i had a chance to visit Vietnam to meet the love of my life...apart from the love and nature bit what struck me the most was the way the country is being maintained. Yes people barely speak English (but then again, language is just one mode of communication, when communication happens from heart, you do not need a common phrase or sentence to express yourself) Yes people are a bit laid back, (but then again...whats the rush...what do we gain in a city apart from stress, bank balance ~rarely~ and lot of pollution) As a tourist this is what I noticed:
As a developing country which has been scr**ed over and over again it is commendable how they have maintained their cities and villages alike..the roads are not only broad but are cleaned everyday..barely you will find trash thrown here and there and so are the beaches.
If you are travelling from one part to the other in their inter-state bus, one can not wear shoes, you keep your shoes in a plastic bag and use the rubber sandals provided in case u need to get out of your seat. And all of these just to maintain the cleanliness!!
After a few days I almost felt ashamed that even though we are independent (as if British govt. forbade us to clean our streets and surroundings) we still have the most dirty cities.
Not just cleanliness, the locals are extremely trustworthy ~believe me when I say that our house doesn't have a lock~ and sets amazing examples of hospitality.
The next thought that strikes me is: so is it better to be a communist nation, what have we achieved in last 60 odd years of being a republic nation?
Being brought up in a communist ~barely~ state, I always had the inclination towards the ideologies (very little that I know of and can fathom) but this chaos that we are witnessing in our India, I wonder if all this would have happened if we were ruled by military.

Disclaimer: No I do not look down upon the fact that we actually have the right to vote and our so called 'Freedom' is in abundance..however, what are we doing with it?!! 

rope walk

The only difference between then and now is…I don’t comment n at times don’t connect to your thoughts..Its weird..even right now.accepting all the wrongs I have done in my life so far..the ego..it just wont take it..its really really tough…to know and forgive my own self..i am not amazed when people just write me off their life..being the other person…who had to go through the turmoil of tolerating me..
You know..he said I have some problem with self esteem…its either at the max..and then in no time it just vanishes…however I have a sense of pride in myself..that I always talk about myself n somehow or the other i end up connecting myself to every given situation in a very dramatic way..n then..the show gets over..like sam said…its like climbing a mountain only to find a suburban view! how disappointing that is..can you even imagine? M sure you can..Like the show is up..and you are at the climax…(like obviously it’s a short life..n u need more characters to play) ok..i am sure I lost you there…and then suddenly you go ‘woosh’ like you just vanish from a situation..the larger picture…its like living so many lives..so many plots…so many characters to play…all at the same….and its just one of the many strings of relations and thus various characters that you live there…
Like friends..and family…they do remain..they just don’t vanish…they don’t let you vanish…they just make sure you exist…imagine how many deaths would have one lived in a life time had there not been these relations…the people who strengthens the rope..for the walk we step on for…that’s the beauty of life…tentacles everywhere to strengthen one rope or the other…

Burn..Burn in the ashes of thy own desire..
Burn...as you are rotten beyond repair..
The irony called life has brought you to this end..
End...with the start you could never mend..

Chase...

Puzzles after puzzles after puzzles....falling in and out of whatever it is called..
i prefer not calling it love but some kind of attraction...happens today..vanishes tomorrow..then re-surfaces day after..and every time its a different character..
Is this some kind of mental state or just simple loneliness that has hit hard!!

The spark that starts off just goes off almost as fast as the fire crackers outside..strange..the mind and heart has never ill-coordinated like this before..and the weirdest part is none of them wins the game!!its the lone world that takes away all the glory!

The chase is what intrigues me!! once achieved it just falls apart..all of it!!

woooohhoo

no one..absolutely no one reads my blog!!!! :D :D :D
i can write whatever I want... yay yay yay....
and if i dont like what i have written...I shall stop reading my blog too!!!

:D

the story of time

Once upon a time there was a concept of mind created by human fools. The concept was basically decided on to demarcate era and was very lamely named 'TIME'! As time passed by the concept started gaining importance untill the time arrived when 'TIME' was the only deciding factor.
Eventually, it started controlling, step by step, body to mind, matter to spirit, and in no time 'TIME' turned out to decide for everything and everyone alive, dead or extinct.
The anarchism reached its height when unknowingly day in da out human fools started helping 'TIME' to rule themselves. The fools thought 'TIME' would help make their lives easier. Little did the fools know how this same 'TIME', 'TIME' who was being worshiped & followed throughout the universe, was eating away the human fools from within.
Way before they realized 'TIME' had made them empty, void...void of feelings, void of thoughts, void of all the unique qualities for which they were once called Human Beings. And thus came to existence human fools.
Fools who still believe in worshiping the destroyer of their mind and brain and yet feel proud about the voidness left within them!

After all of it...the fools still manage say... 'we love to kill time!' :D

smile!

Its only a matter of time that all of this happening around us is going to come to an end. The end shall be happy and bright, probably not as happy as we all want it to be..but happy enough to put a smile on our faces.
We may not be all rich with every materialistic pleasure available..but the last thought we all will have in our mind is: 'Wow...now that is called a life'
We work all our lives just to feel this..to have a happy rather satisfying end.Surprisingly we never know when that inevitable end is arriving! So the only logical way of leading the life right before the end is to be satisfied with whatever, not to have the frustrating thought of 'Life Sucks!' when we see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Lets be happy about it all...and lets smile cause we never know which is gonna be the last mile that we walk!

Mind's Eye

There are things beyond our imagination
Things which changes lives & all notions
Mind, the fucking mind playing games
Games, played by grown ups calling names.
Feel like running someplace & live my life,
As I wanted to...human, I tell you, un-satisfied.

The life where I could travel
People & places,& stories to unravel
Life where I could sit by the sea
And watch the waves go by,
Salt water washing my feet,
Sand & gravel un-doing them yet again!!

The Question!!!!

Since eternity it has been a million dollar question..” what do women want?” today at this stage of my life I would for sure want to ask a similar question to men!!! “ what on earth do you want???”
It all started long time ago..when I first started dating during my school days..now school days being the era of learning, by the end of 10th standard I honestly felt I know all the questions possible regarding guys and their mind.. as time passed and I came across various types and category of men, the idea of unlearning everything I did during school time became more and more evident.
A serious relationship , with everything as perfect as my little mind could have imagined was brought to me in a package named swarnendu moitra, and as the package started to reveal itself, I was left with nothing but awe (initially) and then I started drawing a blank. The blank was filled up again and again, with a few questions answered by every guy that I came across however, as one door closed another door leading to another bunch of new questions arose in front of me.
No exactly..what is it that you want?? Just being friends? Or something more than friends? If something more than friends exactly how you think one should approach you? Flirting is supposed to be desperate, non-flirting is supposed to be dangerous for my own good. Hints??what kinda hints works on whom? Now the kinda hints I could throw on a guy 2 yrs back in Bangalore, is not enough, or rather is taken in a wrong way when I do it now!! If its only intellectual discussion that you want then why not initiate some?? I for one would love to do the same, keeping everything aside.. the types and categories of men in today’s world can be broadly classified under one and only one single group…”Confused” yes..you people are so fucked up in your head that even the very thought of simplifying certain things in your life scares you.. you like the complexities yet you want it to be under cover and crystal clear!!! It doesn’t really work that way darlings!!! You really got to take your brain out and clean it and then put it back.. probably once you are done clearing your own mess, we the ones from the other clan can try to get to the next level with the already little brain that we have. Or else the end of the world is not far!!!

Addiction

slowly yet steadily it gets into you, it starts off with only occasional sessions with friends..then once over the weekend and thus it just starts creeping into your life leading you to the inevitable..
no...none of the excuses you give yourself can justify the cause of your state and nothing on this planet can change the result, other than your own conscience!!
Conscience...what is it anyway??just that inner voice which is fading away as the day passes...the voice that seems like a devil at the hour of need..and then as a angel when you end up having no control of your own actions...

Sudden realization!!!

incidents of life...just goes without any mention in the pages of one's own biography... but then again i wish it was possible at all to save every moment one's life in the small lil transparent starry jar!!!

~sigh~ life is such a beautiful incident...

time passsssssssssssss

The random circles on windows media player…stoned to the core..what else could she have expected !!!
And yeah..to top it all…its ‘into the wild’ playing in the background!!!! :D after 8 months…michelle was taken aback….’actually been a long time now’…thinking…she smiled!!!

after ages...

And here again she is sitting in this house she had no clue existed even a few days bk…and never in her weirdest of imagination did she think its gonna turn out like a place with this kinda aura…its like michelle is back…like a dejavu…
It has been quite some michelle didn’t visit her…neither in her dreams…or hang on..i guess I am wrong..michelle did come a few weeks back..but just for a short while..n then real life nelson just chassed her away…that was another phase of her…
Today its another..its like being there…lived somewhere here…the most weird feeling of belonging!!!is it the red flooring..or the fan…or the piece of bare minimum furniture…whatever it is…it cant be called a happy feeling..its like that sweet nostalgia…the part of which has an after taste of bitter experience..but no matter how bitter it is..the initial shock of sweetness just brings either a faint smile or a drop of tear.

Broken Loop??!!!

They say the most amazing piece of writing comes out when the writer is sad.
I dont know about the amazing part...

They also say when you need to get rid of some kinda feelings or thoughts about someone else.start looking for the negative things that he has...and try to concentrate on those..
I dont know where do i search for them....

For all I know is the beautifully imperfect you is the one i still long for...knowing very well from the very beginning how this amazingly built imaginary world of mine would crash n break into pieces..I am not trying to pick them up..or put it together again...I have just let them be...I cant see clearly right now...moisture in eyes does that at times...

They say I should move ahead in life...like I did earlier too...
I dont know...I could never find the answer for whatever they say...the circle of 'moving on' never started how do i complete it this time?

The circle that never starts...is it still called a circle?? If not...then where do i stand in this is so called 'circle of life'???!!

Random thoughts!!

Something is not going right somewhere...or is it just my fucked up mind which is trying to overwork!!! or is it simple PMS!!!!
Whatever it is..it is not a good feeling at all...the more i try to be hopeful the more as if some kinda force is trying to break me yet again...
This is the last hope i am left with..and i really dont wanna let it go..Never knew i could be such a hopeful person though!!

All i look forward to is the day when i would laugh on these very thoughts of mine..now, that can be a happy smile or just a smile after you let go of someone whom you loved the most but you knew this would happen..
I would prefer the former reason!!!! :D