We were in darkness…~pun intended~…and the continuous sound of wave was trippy enough…a walk not so long..with a smile on our faces and loads of confusions about our own freaky world…well most of it was personal stuff…and the lovely couple deeply n madly in love….just confirmed that the word still exists..
And may be our confusions are not so meaningless after all
May be the feelings are still there
May be the thought is still alive..
May be just may be it was worth the tears and thoughts…
In our own world of missing our significant (?) other we walked the longer mile…!!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
like i said...
And thus we lived our own lonely lives trying to convince ourselves more than anyone else that we are happy this way. Its not about us together with each other, its about the inner conflict we thought we could deal with when together..and its about the inner conflict winning the game..its about the ball being in our court and yet we gave it away..scared…afraid..confused…. Its about the sudden surprises.. life is inexplicable
Thursday, July 23, 2009
thinking loud!!
why is it that all we have in life is work,no-attachment life, n sm more work??
so many things yet the need of something else is always there...something more meaningful..
probably i am doing the most meaningful thing i have ever done in my life till now.yet at times it becomes necessary..the urge of doing something beyond what i am doing now..
satisfaction is a silly word!!
so many things yet the need of something else is always there...something more meaningful..
probably i am doing the most meaningful thing i have ever done in my life till now.yet at times it becomes necessary..the urge of doing something beyond what i am doing now..
satisfaction is a silly word!!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Endings n Beginnings..
Like every other day she woke up at 6 in the morning to the alarm and unlike everyone she knows, she didn’t put it on snooze. The water supply in her locality had selected this annoying time of the day for anyone who comes back home at 3 in the morning, and that too only for an hr did the locality get water. So there she woke up and filled all the bottles and buckets and she started cleaning the room.
The one room kitchen apartment of hers was big enough for her 7 medium sized bags that she has been traveling along since the day she left home, and knew it was for good. The corner of the room she loved the most was this huge french window and the view every moment she stood right there. Amazingly in the city which never sleeps she had got a place to stay where all you could see around was greenery, and that just compensated the rest of discomfort one feels coming from a middle class family of Kolkata and staying in a Slum Rehabilitation Bldg of Mumbai. She was quite accustomed to the city and the place and she knew she will never leave this place, this city at least.
She will never forget the view of him leaving her there in her state and going away from her for good. Not even looking back once, she was hurt that day hurt to an extent she would never recover, probably. She didn’t try stopping him once he was out of the room, she hated creating a scene outside her space and she knew that very moment that it was not going to work. It all started with a simple fight, they used to fight everyday abusing each other and then inventing new abuses so that the fights were not boring. They somehow felt the bond when they screamed at each other every time they met. People who knew both of them didn’t like her much or that’s what she thought, few cause of jealousy as she was lucky enough to have him and few simply thought she was not intelligent enough to be with him. But nothing mattered to her anymore; somehow she knew she was going to be here one day looking out of the window staring at the roads where she had last seen him, where she had last seen the car. The last day that they fought was about switching off the lights, she thought to herself and laughed at her own and his kiddish nature.
She gets ready for office and her interaction of the day as usual with the auto guy started with her uttering the word “Versova”..her office…today she was still stuck to the thought of his not being there, and she didn’t know why.
Did she still miss him? miss the 17 yrs of her life spent wit him? miss every fight she had with him?? He will come back and this time it will be she bringing him back to life and she knew it.
The one room kitchen apartment of hers was big enough for her 7 medium sized bags that she has been traveling along since the day she left home, and knew it was for good. The corner of the room she loved the most was this huge french window and the view every moment she stood right there. Amazingly in the city which never sleeps she had got a place to stay where all you could see around was greenery, and that just compensated the rest of discomfort one feels coming from a middle class family of Kolkata and staying in a Slum Rehabilitation Bldg of Mumbai. She was quite accustomed to the city and the place and she knew she will never leave this place, this city at least.
She will never forget the view of him leaving her there in her state and going away from her for good. Not even looking back once, she was hurt that day hurt to an extent she would never recover, probably. She didn’t try stopping him once he was out of the room, she hated creating a scene outside her space and she knew that very moment that it was not going to work. It all started with a simple fight, they used to fight everyday abusing each other and then inventing new abuses so that the fights were not boring. They somehow felt the bond when they screamed at each other every time they met. People who knew both of them didn’t like her much or that’s what she thought, few cause of jealousy as she was lucky enough to have him and few simply thought she was not intelligent enough to be with him. But nothing mattered to her anymore; somehow she knew she was going to be here one day looking out of the window staring at the roads where she had last seen him, where she had last seen the car. The last day that they fought was about switching off the lights, she thought to herself and laughed at her own and his kiddish nature.
She gets ready for office and her interaction of the day as usual with the auto guy started with her uttering the word “Versova”..her office…today she was still stuck to the thought of his not being there, and she didn’t know why.
Did she still miss him? miss the 17 yrs of her life spent wit him? miss every fight she had with him?? He will come back and this time it will be she bringing him back to life and she knew it.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Body & Soul
“If soul is regarded to be a different entity then y is it always so quite?”
“It listens to you”
“Does this entity ever talk?”
“Of course it does”
“Why can’t we hear her then?”
“You don’t realize. You are always too lost someplace else”
“Is it the same with everyone?”
“No, there are people who do know her, who talk to her, who can feel her but it seems it’s not normal.’
“How stupid is that? How can that be not normal?? E.g. - if you are staying with someone in the same house then you talking to that person is in all sense normal. Don’t you think so? Then how come when this somebody is inside you and you converse and it’s called abnormal?”
“They say it affects their health. their body..”
“Soul fight with them is it?”
“Yeah they either fight or effect in such a way which is believed to be harmful for everyone around.”
“But you don’t fight with me. I like you, you have always answered my questions, you have always supported my emotions, my thoughts. I am fine, my health is fine, I love talking to you.”
Michelle checks her eye liner on the mirror and gets up from the chair. Its time she leaves for office.
“It listens to you”
“Does this entity ever talk?”
“Of course it does”
“Why can’t we hear her then?”
“You don’t realize. You are always too lost someplace else”
“Is it the same with everyone?”
“No, there are people who do know her, who talk to her, who can feel her but it seems it’s not normal.’
“How stupid is that? How can that be not normal?? E.g. - if you are staying with someone in the same house then you talking to that person is in all sense normal. Don’t you think so? Then how come when this somebody is inside you and you converse and it’s called abnormal?”
“They say it affects their health. their body..”
“Soul fight with them is it?”
“Yeah they either fight or effect in such a way which is believed to be harmful for everyone around.”
“But you don’t fight with me. I like you, you have always answered my questions, you have always supported my emotions, my thoughts. I am fine, my health is fine, I love talking to you.”
Michelle checks her eye liner on the mirror and gets up from the chair. Its time she leaves for office.
last night!!
last night michelle had come back....and made sense when she spoke about faith and trust on god....and as usual she convinced me yet again...
last night i lost ma faith on GOD...again...and guess for good!!
last night i lost ma faith on GOD...again...and guess for good!!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
if you...
there were so many questions i wanted to ask her...i keep on repeating the questions in my mind so that i dont forget them....
"did you wait for him to come back?? or you knew once he says no its a no...??"
"did you wish things to get better every passing day??knowing that its going worse??"
"did you hate him or love him more?? or just ignored him for whatever he has done to you??"
"did you this was coming up??that things would change so drastically that even he would repent somewhere inside??"
"did you think like an optimistic fool??and wanted to give him some more time??"
if you did then should i be scared ??
"did you wait for him to come back?? or you knew once he says no its a no...??"
"did you wish things to get better every passing day??knowing that its going worse??"
"did you hate him or love him more?? or just ignored him for whatever he has done to you??"
"did you this was coming up??that things would change so drastically that even he would repent somewhere inside??"
"did you think like an optimistic fool??and wanted to give him some more time??"
if you did then should i be scared ??
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Poignant thoughts coming back!!
There were too many thoughts...Michelle was haunting her time and again..and she doubts if she can survive it this time..
Who has to die this time?? Sam or Nelson??
Whoever dies the question is who will suffer the pain...
Sam- the one whose existence is vague almost non-existing..
Nelson- Who "may be" just another face of Sam..
Or Michelle herself??
A silly question she thought to herself and started searching for the "AUTO MODE" button again!!
Who has to die this time?? Sam or Nelson??
Whoever dies the question is who will suffer the pain...
Sam- the one whose existence is vague almost non-existing..
Nelson- Who "may be" just another face of Sam..
Or Michelle herself??
A silly question she thought to herself and started searching for the "AUTO MODE" button again!!
Friday, May 22, 2009
confusion...too much of it..
who decides...
- who deserves wat?
- who is right or wrong?
- who is good or evil?
- who should or should not?
- who can or cant?
- who will or wont?
who is that anyone to judge or decide??? is it us who has given him/her/it the right or he/she/it just snatched it away from us???
- who deserves wat?
- who is right or wrong?
- who is good or evil?
- who should or should not?
- who can or cant?
- who will or wont?
who is that anyone to judge or decide??? is it us who has given him/her/it the right or he/she/it just snatched it away from us???
Thursday, May 14, 2009
michelle...
i am not going to pretend that this is a pretty story...pretty stories are not my thing..m sorry if that bothers you...but when people call me a pretty girl..my first reaction is almost always to tell them a very ugly story....
huh...thats d way i am...i dont seek for beauty...i dont seek for anything...i am not a seeker...life arrives....n i happen to be here...its inexplicable!!!
huh...thats d way i am...i dont seek for beauty...i dont seek for anything...i am not a seeker...life arrives....n i happen to be here...its inexplicable!!!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
~~
every time it hits...a false hope tat next time it wont matter as its supposed to...truth is something else...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
me
what??why are you looking at me like this??do i look like some alien??only because you cant relate to it doesn't necessarily mean i am crazy..
i dont understand what you say...do i criticize you ever??you have got a bunch of people in your life i dont wanna know..i am busy with the people and the thoughts i have in my mind...just becuase you cant see them you force me to have those bitter tablets everyday...i tried to make you all understand but no one could listen to what i did...no one could see wat i could...
just because my reality is different from yours, you dont listen to me...why dont you understand its just my world..not that i avoid you all..i love being with you too but then you all dont have much time for me and my world...that is understandable
i have grown up now...i came out of everything that matters to you...
i dont understand what you say...do i criticize you ever??you have got a bunch of people in your life i dont wanna know..i am busy with the people and the thoughts i have in my mind...just becuase you cant see them you force me to have those bitter tablets everyday...i tried to make you all understand but no one could listen to what i did...no one could see wat i could...
just because my reality is different from yours, you dont listen to me...why dont you understand its just my world..not that i avoid you all..i love being with you too but then you all dont have much time for me and my world...that is understandable
i have grown up now...i came out of everything that matters to you...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
true...
Aditi's ( my junior from college) Status msg on FB :
"I want 2 go bak2 d tim wen, 'getin hi' meant on a swing. drinkin meant 'appl juic'.. wen big bro ws d 'only hero'.. mumz hug ws d only 'luv'.. wen d wrsst enemies wer ur sblings & d only thng dat cud 'hurt' wer skinnd knees .. wen d only thng 'broknn' wer ur 'toys'.. n "gudbyes" only meant til "2mrroo..." :)"
wishfool thinking yet such a beautiful one... :)
"I want 2 go bak2 d tim wen, 'getin hi' meant on a swing. drinkin meant 'appl juic'.. wen big bro ws d 'only hero'.. mumz hug ws d only 'luv'.. wen d wrsst enemies wer ur sblings & d only thng dat cud 'hurt' wer skinnd knees .. wen d only thng 'broknn' wer ur 'toys'.. n "gudbyes" only meant til "2mrroo..." :)"
wishfool thinking yet such a beautiful one... :)
Monday, April 20, 2009
bla bla yet again... :D
feelings are like rain drops...looks beautiful wen its falling on your face...and then a shiver cause its cold...and den calms u down wen u close ur eyes...and den u get used to,ur eyes being wet for a while....at the most u rub it off.... :D
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
list it out ma love!!!!
hahahaha...what a mind game this is....and m completely enjoying it...
every time i feel envious and the dark cloud of uncertainties loom over my head...the next thought is always did i hand over ma complete list???!!!
every time i feel envious and the dark cloud of uncertainties loom over my head...the next thought is always did i hand over ma complete list???!!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
cogitation..
i can see my brain cells running...all in different direction...like this multi-coloured glowing..creepy climber plant..which just spreads.....earlier i had a control over its growth and speed...now things are changing...i hv lost my control..and the thoughts are running and spreading even faster.....
from experience i at-least know what is wrong and right....rather wat seems to be wrong or right as a spectator of my old deeds...but just that wen the thoughts starts the marathon..even the wrong is justified....and the right doesnt exist...
from experience i at-least know what is wrong and right....rather wat seems to be wrong or right as a spectator of my old deeds...but just that wen the thoughts starts the marathon..even the wrong is justified....and the right doesnt exist...
Monday, April 6, 2009
words..
kinda pricked to knw it was meant for someone else...sometime bk...it was as if a copy paste of a few words...
rethinking: well how does it matter...till d time it was actually for me tis time..it happens to me too....after all ms word doesnt gv much options for feelings....
:)
rethinking: well how does it matter...till d time it was actually for me tis time..it happens to me too....after all ms word doesnt gv much options for feelings....
:)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
is it??
things started like this...she met him in a place she was very close to at some point of time..they started talking..over a year..they were really close to each other with the only deal that they wont be emotionally close enough so that they can live their lives without each other too...Being her..it was destined she will be emotionally attached...her frnds always warning her about the inevitable...
he on the other hand did reciprocate her feelings at times but it was too short lived..and she was just left with the hope that "if it can happen once it can happen again"
He on the other hand had the kinda lifestyle every guy probably would want to live..he had a lot similar girls in his life...but it didnt bother her much...she had grown out of all these...
they went to places..everyone around dem thought they were madly in love...how little did the world know about the truth...
she wanted someone in her life to look up to..and tried her best to give him that position but he always failed when it came to food for her thoughts...hence the day arrived when she had decided to discontinue the emotional attachment and just be there with him..she had to either kill her own hunger for thoughts or kill the emotion anyway.. she had agreed for the first option but again it didnt last long...
things were changing...very fast...and to keep a pace with it she shifted her base...again..
there was still a string attached..a ray of hope..she was a hopeful girl..she had hoped as michelle did...knowing that it will never come true...perhaps that is human tendency...
the end....party...she found him busy with his phone...she immediately knew something is cooking up as usual some place else...but again as i said..hope makes people silly and funny..she walked up to him and asked what is it..tryin her best not to show him her concern and worry..he very casually said he was seeing someone else...
she went out and cried...cried whole night...cried till her already small eyes became even more smaller....and then she knew, rather she gathered the courage to accept the truth to go ahead...
his thoughts doesnt bother her anymore..not that she hates him...he is there but as a friend...a friend she knows who will be there always...she is used to all these by now..
again....she met someone..someone completely unexpected...he had all that she could ever hope for...or wait..is she getting into the magic world of convincing herself the "not-so-true" again??
he on the other hand did reciprocate her feelings at times but it was too short lived..and she was just left with the hope that "if it can happen once it can happen again"
He on the other hand had the kinda lifestyle every guy probably would want to live..he had a lot similar girls in his life...but it didnt bother her much...she had grown out of all these...
they went to places..everyone around dem thought they were madly in love...how little did the world know about the truth...
she wanted someone in her life to look up to..and tried her best to give him that position but he always failed when it came to food for her thoughts...hence the day arrived when she had decided to discontinue the emotional attachment and just be there with him..she had to either kill her own hunger for thoughts or kill the emotion anyway.. she had agreed for the first option but again it didnt last long...
things were changing...very fast...and to keep a pace with it she shifted her base...again..
there was still a string attached..a ray of hope..she was a hopeful girl..she had hoped as michelle did...knowing that it will never come true...perhaps that is human tendency...
the end....party...she found him busy with his phone...she immediately knew something is cooking up as usual some place else...but again as i said..hope makes people silly and funny..she walked up to him and asked what is it..tryin her best not to show him her concern and worry..he very casually said he was seeing someone else...
she went out and cried...cried whole night...cried till her already small eyes became even more smaller....and then she knew, rather she gathered the courage to accept the truth to go ahead...
his thoughts doesnt bother her anymore..not that she hates him...he is there but as a friend...a friend she knows who will be there always...she is used to all these by now..
again....she met someone..someone completely unexpected...he had all that she could ever hope for...or wait..is she getting into the magic world of convincing herself the "not-so-true" again??
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
mirage....
its all like a mirage....as if a huge blank white cloth...n a projector...have seen similar images when i was a kid...the old man who used to come with a huge box with pictures of all wonderful places....
just the only difference is i am living this mirage...
an illusion which is so real..that after a certain point of time...i have created my small little world in it...a world where there is nothing right or wrong...a world where there is no one to judge me...i am who i am...and i am thankful that i have been accepted the way i wanted to be...
it feels like as if i have got a world of knowledge box with me...who feeds me with of loads of food for my thoughts....
the most amazing part of my world is...i play different roles in it..and the other character too...at times he is like this kid who is so innocent..and then there are times when he in his most amazing style makes me understand things about life...
if ever this illusion comes to an end...i know one thing for sure...i will never forget one teaching of my great master/friend/love/child/stranger..... "never get too attached to anyone on this earth...there should always be a little detachment in ever aspects of life and that nothing is right or wrong...we have set the standards...ourselves!!"
just the only difference is i am living this mirage...
an illusion which is so real..that after a certain point of time...i have created my small little world in it...a world where there is nothing right or wrong...a world where there is no one to judge me...i am who i am...and i am thankful that i have been accepted the way i wanted to be...
it feels like as if i have got a world of knowledge box with me...who feeds me with of loads of food for my thoughts....
the most amazing part of my world is...i play different roles in it..and the other character too...at times he is like this kid who is so innocent..and then there are times when he in his most amazing style makes me understand things about life...
if ever this illusion comes to an end...i know one thing for sure...i will never forget one teaching of my great master/friend/love/child/stranger..... "never get too attached to anyone on this earth...there should always be a little detachment in ever aspects of life and that nothing is right or wrong...we have set the standards...ourselves!!"
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